I was watching a documentary on Sept. 11th last night about a museum exhibit of ordinary items from that day — a dusty briefcase, a set of tools, a uniform. The narrator and a few of the family members donating items explained why the exhibit was important. Sometimes, in the enormity of Sept 11 is so overwhelming it is hard to remember that these were real people, with real lives.  These items are to remind us of those lives.

This has been a recurring theme with me the past few weeks, on a more abstract level, and one that is painfully close to home. Makes the head spin.

The relationship of God and man. When I think of the billions upon billions that have walked the earth and lived their lives in love and happiness and pain and doubt and fear, and how every moment of their lives, every decision, every downfall, was so very important to them (perhaps to all of us), I am nearly paralyzed. Yes we can study, we can read, and we can understand, but we cannot know life. We lose perspective in the enormity of history, and we see only what is here.  Oh, what has been lost. The billions and billions of tiny moments.

God’s plan is infinite, but it is also intimate. It is forever and it is today.  Sometimes it hard not to feel small. Other times, I am amazed at how special and individual God’s love is for all of us, and that that love will continue to be shared long after we have left every living memory.  That love, and what we do with it, connects us.  We are one act of kindness, one moment of hatred, one bad decision, one generous deed away from one other. Our individual lives and our collective history is made from billions of billions of tiny moments. Oh what has been lost.

A little tighter in. . . . The Agony in the Garden. Christ pleads to hold on his a life he has come to love, yet ultimately surrenders so that we all may live. That we may live abundantly.  “This story, shall a good man teach his son”. This cannot and will not be forgotten. But we forget every day.

Today’s a tough day.

I am hating myself for all the years I have indulged in hating myself. I have wasted so much time worrying, angry, afraid and ashamed.  So many moments lost. . . so many useless things.

I lost my job last week.

It was an answer to a prayer and I am lucky.  Hell, I even have another offer — verbal yes, but still far more than many people in this situation. So really, I am Blessed.  But I am also human. And today, I am ashamed. I am angry. And I am lonely. The tension is up my neck and around my throat. Over and over in my head i hear, You can’t be trusted.

Ah, but that’s part the problem right. Self reliance is really a sucky thing to hang your hat on. Just makes you lonely.

If I put my trust in God, I will live a far better life. His will, not my own.

There are billions and billions of moments to be had. Moment not lost, but loved.

To God the Glory.

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.  – 1 Corinthians  4:3

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