The past week or two have been odd, spiritually. I am a bit lost. I am wandering.And it is because I am living inside own head.
At first I felt a bit overwhelmed and scattered in my prayer. Unfortunately, in an attempt to focus, I pulled back some of my urgency, and stepped away from any and all intimacy I was having with scripture. Somehow I think I did it on purpose. I find it telling that I keep focusing on making way to path to Christ. Yes, I realize that is the bulk of the Advent readings, but I don’t feel like they are sinking in. And instead of getting down and dirty with the meaning, I am hovering academically and antiseptically over it, waiting for some lightening bolt to strike. I am so distant. Always have been. And it needs to stop. It’s simple. You can’t give when you don’t share.
Then I started questioning my motives. Was I writing all this down to truly keep a chronicle and keep straight the path, or is it fueling my pride? Do I want to find my voice? Am I ready to take the next step in Faith? Perhaps, I am not on a journey, I am just lonely and searching for connection.. Honestly, I don’t know if have the strength to defend my faith or take a tough stand. And that is painfully sad. I am not ashamed of His words, but I am afraid of them. . . . And, right now, I feel like maybe this has been all about me, vs. bending my will to His. Like Father Nicolas said, I need a group. I need to take the next step. Talk with a priest. Find a spiritual path. Commit.
So right. We have detachment. We have selfishness. We have pride. We have doubt. We have weakness.
Old habits are creeping in. I am getting easily distracted. I started drinking at holiday parties, and then continued the past two night did so after work. Why? I am tired, worn down, its been a tough few weeks at work. I have no time. . . Blah, blah. Ah, it’s all about me. In light of Connecticut, my friend Cam’s bout with cancer, the poor struggling of Tripp Halstead’s parent’s that I have been following on Facebook, and the trials of so many others living in pain, I am so lame. Because I am so lucky.
There was an Advent Penance service at my church last night. I didn’t go, because I didn’t have time to examine my conscious. Yeah right. I think it was face-to-face. I was afraid.
I ran into this article this morning: Choking on Pride this Advent.. It helped a bit. It all comes back to pride.
Time to get out of my head.
Immediately the father of the child cried outand said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You dumb and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him, and never enter him again.” And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse; so that most of them said, “He is dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?” And he said to them, “This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer and fasting.” Mark 9:24-29